| It Takes a Disaster to Unite a Village |
[Mar. 30th, 2009|07:34 am] |
I awoke Wednesday morning around 5am to the sound of someone banging on my front door. It was Al, our neighbor, telling us to evacuate while we still can. Still in a tired stupor, it took me precisely three seconds for my brain to boot up and realize what he was so frantic about. Behind him was Santa Barbara, the street I live on in Bismarck, two blocks north of Cottonwood Lake and half a block east of the Wachter Draining Canal. The entire street was submerged under a foot and a half of water with ice chunks floating everywhere.
We quickly packed our things and somehow managed to fjord my brother’s Chrysler Sebring across the flooded streets. As we turned north on Bridgeport Drive we noticed one of the neighbors spray painting a message across the snow on his lawn. Despite being in a very precarious position at the moment I had to chuckle as I read the completed sign.
“NO WAKE ZONE!”
I won’t bore you all with the details about how we spent the next two days sandbagging our house, how I frantically tried to find a safe route for a Fargo friend to her home in Thief River Falls, or how I stupidly fell into the flood waters while trying to retrieve the mail (I forgot the day before and the communal mailbox was about to be submerged), but I do feel compelled to break character in order to discuss the matter of community involvement during a disaster.
I remember the days immediately following Hurricane Katrina when private citizens were seemingly organizing faster than FEMA, sending care packages or going down as volunteers to assist in rescue, cleanup, or to rebuild. It was a seemingly unifying theme for not just Americans but for members of the world community as aid, volunteers, and well wishes poured in from all around.
The same occurred on Wednesday as thousands of volunteers poured into Bismarck, Grand Forks, and Fargo to help fill sandbags and set up barricades. Volunteers poured in from the Twin Cities in Minnesota, Rapid City South Dakota, Wisconsin, Iowa, hell I even met one from that drove all the way from Canada to help. The Red Cross in Bismarck was so overwhelmed with volunteers that they sent several dozen of them home. When we pulled our truck to the Bismarck Civic Center, or “Sandbag Ave,” to get our free sandbags it took less than two minutes to load over one ton due to the hundreds of volunteers loading. I received a text message from a friend of mine in the United Kingdom, saying her church has heard of our situation and offered their thoughts and prayers.
This is beyond amazing. People are dropping their routines, trekking long distances, and risk catching acute bronchitis (which I unfortunately contracted in the process) to help complete strangers. For once we were not separated by any lines whether racial, geographic origins, or hockey affiliations, but by the shared trait of being fellow members of humanity.
Now, I’m not one to talk like a Marxist (although I like to dress up as a Soviet soldier and have Red Dawn parties) but why can’t we do this all the time? Why do we stop helping? Is volunteering a novelty that wears off when we realize we must initiate the political blame game? Did we even do our volunteer work with genuine intentions or did we just do it for the community service hours to pad our resumes and college applications?
Perhaps Adrian Veidt was correct in his assessment of humanity (see or read Watchmen for details). It seems as though a disaster has to occur for the village to unite and work together under a common banner. Fortunately, for humanity, there are many who are far less cynical than Alan Moore, who helps their fellow man in need. Many of us were spared the fate of Fargo and should be grateful for that by helping out in any way we can. So this article is a rally call to many at UND and others in the world reading this online; people in Fargo need your help. Volunteer what you can. I heard they still need sandbaggers as well as people at the Red Cross and Salvation Army. For those outside the ND area, that cannot travel, I won’t be so naïve to suggest financial donations but thoughts and prayers are always welcome. Such things may not have an exchange rate at the bank but being remembered and thought of holds back more emotional water than a sandbag ever could and it’s gonna be a while for the waters to recede. |
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| Your Period and Mine (A Guy's Perspective) |
[Jan. 29th, 2009|05:54 pm] |
Now, if at any time you ladies think I’m being too lenient on men… they’ll get their turn in the hot seat next week.
Ladies, has a guy ever made you sick by burping out loud, still wearing the same t-shirt you met him in five years ago, or using generic soap instead of the real shampoo you got him? Does a male's inability to verbally communicate messages other than “uh huh” send you into a conniption fit that would nullify Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick? Does the movie Red Dawn make no sense to you? If you have answered “yes” to any of these then this article is for you!!( Read more... ) |
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| A Time of Regret or Hope (And Change!)™? |
[Jan. 9th, 2009|10:49 am] |
Something I have noticed about people this time of year is that they are obsessed with the past. There is something about the resetting of the Roman calendar that makes us reflect upon what we have done during our last rotation around the sun. It is around this time that people look back on past events, and then laugh, smile, or feel regret. Unfortunately, what we usually do is regret.
We, as people, typically regret the previous year because of past mistakes. Maybe we missed a vital opportunity, screwed up a relationship, bought Britney Spear’s Circus album or, in my case, developed a genuine affection for a woman that wasn’t a 1968 Dodge Charger R/T and did not AT ALL share my feelings. To make matters worse that Hallmark holiday of love where we celebrate the death of a saint by getting our significant other chocolate and diamonds is right around the corner.
What should be a time of celebration and new beginnings has become a time of regret and depression, especially if you’re a McCain or Vikings fan.
What we forget in our selfishness and despair is that the atomic clock is still ticking and life is going on without you. We fail to see any opportunity when we lament over missing previous ones and until Doc Brown invents a hybrid that can generate 1.21 gigawatts and actually attain a speed of 88 mph (Yeah, right) we cannot change the past. Unless you’re a paid or aspiring historian, or you can’t get enough of The History Channel, living in the past serves no practical purpose. If you have not learned from your mistake and moved on you’re only wasting time that cannot be regained.
Furthermore, we fail to realize how our not-so pleasant experiences build our character and make us stronger. While my attempt to court a beautiful women resulted in a Top Gun-esque crash and burn that WILL require a few more beers to douse the flames out (it’s a good excuse to go to a bar anyway), I feel very proud that I mustered the courage to give it all I had. It has made me a stronger person knowing I can do it again and probably get rejected at least once more. There is always a hidden opportunity or lesson in every hardship; we just have to find them.
We cannot get caught up in the winds of collective myspace misery no matter how appealing My Chemical Romance makes it look. Sure it feels nice to have a bunch of random people express charity but does pity really make us feel happy and, more importantly, does it last? Expressions of commiseration is a pain killer and, as such, is a controlled substance that gives only a temporary buzz and demands more and more as time goes on. While attaining solace from friends during times of hardship is essential to recovery, it is not meant to be taken after said recuperation for fear of addiction… and clinginess tends to annoy others.
In conclusion, avoid regret when reflecting upon the past year. As humans it is our nature to be flawed and otherwise royally screw up. We all do it so learn from your own mistakes or, better yet, learn from the mistakes of others and emulate the lessons learned in your own life. World history is often seen as one big regret but it is also contains a long list of success stories. With however many billion people there are in the world, chances are someone made the same mistakes you did but they moved on and made something of themselves. I can go on and on about how much potential every person has but A) it gets repetitive, B) I do not know you, and C) that’s Rick Warren’s job. All I can say is that every person has the means and the possibility to ascend to greatness regardless if you see it or not. Whether you succeed or fail is entirely up to you.
To quote the great fictional Master Oogway, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.”
Don’t waste it. |
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| The Gift of the Magi (Made in China) |
[Jan. 5th, 2009|11:24 am] |
The Gift of the Magi (Made in China)
Tim Rodenberger
12-22-08
While watching Futurama on Comedy Central a few days before Christmas I witnessed a commercial for Kmart where two parents were happily watching their children open up several lavish gifts including Lego Star Wars kits, miniaturized vehicles you can ride in, and Hannah Montana clothes. The father then has a brief dose of reality and leans over to the mother to ask how much it all costs, establishing the gender role of the male as the money maker and the female as the money spender. Looking at the father as if he just asked her if he was still the king of the castle, the mother gleefully whispered, “Don’t worry, I bought them at Kmart.” The father then resumed his buzz as the family looked richer but became poorer.
I had to laugh at the commercial. What kind of superficial ad was this? It was so cheesy and corny that I couldn’t believe any respectful retailer would run such an ad. While my employer, Wal-Mart, does employ some cliché ads appealing to the inner cheap patriotism in us all, they would never stoop THAT low now would they?
As if on cue, a Wal-Mart ad appeared with some kids sneaking past their parent’s room to get to see Santa Claus and, more importantly, get their presents early. Their covert operation into friendly territory is blown when mother appears through her door with a smile, ruining their reconnaissance and sending the children in a full French advance (retreat). The mother then contemplates that she got them everything and got it cheap because she got the presents at Wal-Mart.
OK, so maybe all retailers resort to such corny appeals to our wallets… that and copy each others advertisements.
While the cheesiness of the ads and the potential copyright issues made me cringe, what disturbed me more was how both box stores portray gift giving. While the parents were happy that their children were gleeful at the gifts they’ll play with for one day and get bored of the next, they seemed more proud of the fact that they bought them cheaper than the rest of who shop at the same store (“NO ONE CAN ESCAPE THE WAL-MART!! Mwu’hahahahahahaha!!”).
This is somewhat true of us as a society. Many of us are more concerned with how much we spent than how our loved ones feel about the presents we got them; however, most people brag about how much they spent and not how little. Let’s face it, does anyone honestly think an 11-year-old girl goes to school sporting the newest Hannah Montana backpack and matching shirt, then brags that her parents spent $5 less than the others? Or perhaps a wife goes to her inner-circle of ‘friends’, shows off the diamond jewelry the husband bought her and then brags he got them 25% off at Zales on Christmas Eve? Yeah, right.
And if you think I’m being misogynistic, guys do this too although we never graduated to jewelry and clothes, our toys just graduated into more electrical and motorized ones. Men love neat things and stuff that they can show off, especially if it came from Sharper Image, Best Buy, or from some random website from Japan they had translated. Men will take their newest toys to the office and wait for most opportune moment to show it off whether it is an automatic back massaging office chair, a self-heated coffee mug, or an ink pen that also has an LED so you can find all the cheek marks on the copy machine. Let us not forget the global positioning satellite (GPS). That’s the device that tells the user where they are at all times despite the fact that not only do males know their current location (regardless if they do or not) but refuse to take directions from a box whose female voice resembles that of another nagging one husbands are all-too familiar with.
So both genders have immersed themselves into the gift receiving and not the gift giving. We all have heard this notion before almost as much as we’ve heard of the dangers of smoking, drinking and trans-fatty acids; however, like that we ignore it all the same and perpetuate the trend further. This year on the Day After Thanksgiving Sale, which we notoriously labeled “Black Friday,” one of our own was killed in New York because customers trampled him to get to a plasma screen. This is what we have reduced ourselves to, all in the name of gift giving during our treasured season of thanks and rejoicing.
Even so, I am not here to lecture you all any further than that. As stated in the previous paragraph, we’ve all heard the same message of give because it is nice lesson from just about everyone. We’ve all read the editorials, seen the pundits on television shriek at what happened to that one Wal-Mart employee, and heard the criticism from ‘proletariats’ Sean Penn, Hugo Chavez and other rich people saying giving more is “patriotic” but won’t give any more themselves. What I am typing for you today is a radical idea that my Mom and I came up with this morning that I’d like to market to everyone.
Some say gift giving came from the original nativity scene where the three (we assume three) wise men gave baby Jesus and his parents three practical gifts to assist him with his upbringing. Theological and historical discourse aside, the presents from the wise men, or the “gift of the magi” as coined by O. Henry in 1906, represents one of the most fundamental and morally pure examples of gift giving. The wise men traveled far, their origins unknown although historians and theologians suspect Persia, to give someone they barely knew, expensive gifts that he would need and got nothing in return for their kindness other than the thanks of Mary and Joseph.
Now, the three gifts remind me of a famous book written by Catherine Ryan Hyde in 2000 called “Pay it Forward.” In Ryan’s novel, a boy named Trevor did amazing things for three different people and only asked that they pass the kindness on to three other people, who in turn would pass it on to three others and so forth. The whole premise is to pass on kindness for the sake of doing so and hoping it will become contagious. Similar to the message of gift giving, we love the story (especially the film adaptation with Kevin Spacey), but do not emulate the lesson in our own lives. As Jimmy Carter said during his Malaise Speech, we cherish the ideals like a dusty book of patriotism that we only bring out to read on the Fourth of July. Carter also said that we need to stop talking and stop walking but, like the crisis of confidence in the 1970s we, as a people, did not. There is always no time like the present to begin starting anew but we do not. To quote the fictional anchor Howard Beale from “Network,” people cry out, “'Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone!” Change always seems so easy until you have to get off the lazy-boy.
So perhaps it is time that I advocate a radical change in gift giving. No, I won’t suggest we all start making gifts because I would be the first to fail since I have the dexterity of a lobster wearing oven mitts. I also will not demand we stop giving… I’d be the biggest victim. I not only work at a store that would be hit the hardest but I’m also one of the largest recipients of gifts and darn it, I still want Tales of Vesperia for the Xbox360!!
What we need to do is to regulate our gift giving and make it matter. We need to make it more personal again so it’s not the time of year that kids can get their toys or where us college students can get our yearly re-supply of Hot Pockets and Axe Body Spray.
Perhaps restraint is the best course of action; however, if there is one thing watching humanity’s response to a disaster or a single episode of Deal or No Deal will teach you, is that restraint is hardly in our nature. By nature we are impulsive and vane, the same characteristics that scientologists look for in potential candidates.
To counter all this, my editor (Mom) and I came up with a fairly revolutionary idea of combining the Pay it Forward method of doing a great deed for three people and the Gift of the Magi, where you give a gift that matters. We would advocate that you give three people one great gift that they need or give them three gifts that they need. It sounded great… at first, but then I realized that I was doing nothing of the sort. I got my little brother Dead Space on DVD, my Dad The Dark Knight on DVD, and my Mom a Wii Fit (although she really wanted this one). My gifts were always of the entertainment variety and I really did not feel like changing this routine.
OK, so perhaps I am just as pathetic, if not as hypocritical, as everyone else. HOWEVER, upon further examination there is one fundamental difference between me and the shotgun gift-givers. I think long and hard about what piece of entertainment to get each person to ensure they will like it and, traditionally, people have loved the gifts I have bestowed upon them. Granted they are shallow gifts like the time I got my little brother a Steyr TMP air soft gun, but he loved it and still harasses the local jack rabbits with it. It’s the simple things in life you treasure.
Now, I know what you’re thinking!
“Good gosh Tim! Britney Spears made another album and it’s called the ‘Circus album?!’”
I know, off point but I had to throw in some horror. What many of you are probably thinking is that even though you shower your loved ones with gifts, you do it with love. This is probably more true than the horrific nature of the Circus album, but basic psychology states that when one is immersed in a sea of many things even the most unique becomes common to the whole.
For instance, I always wanted to get a tattoo. It was nothing flashy or suggestive but a Christian cross with a Templar insignia on my right forearm. It was just the right size, color and price. I planned on getting it when I arrived in North Dakota, almost three years ago, but when I arrived I realized that everyone had a tattoo and I do mean EVERYONE. Almost everyone I encountered, save for us “foreigners” from out of state, sported some kind of tattoo and for just about everything. I even met a nerd couple that each had a matching Transformers tattoo; one had an Autobot symbol while the other had the Decepticon. I’m dead serious.
The abundance in uniqueness in tattoos in North Dakota became so common that it all became white noise, indistinguishable against the whole as it had become tradition instead of exceptional. It also took the fun right out of it.
The same applies to gift giving. We shower our loved ones, or those we wish to suck up to, with gifts and the meaning becomes lost when we do not cherish each gift as an exceptional one. I can remember the Christmas of 1994, the only time I was ever showered with gifts. My parents scrounged and found EVERY Star Trek action figure available, which was at least a few dozen. They found Q, Riker, Picard, Geordi, Kirk, Lore, Locutus, Sela, Morn, Bashir, Guinan, and many more that I cannot remember the spelling of. I found myself surrounded in a fortress wall, built by the very action figure boxes that were now mine… all miiiiine!!!!
I played with them for a day and was back to begging for more the very next day.
So maybe restraint is the best method to bring back the real meaning of gift giving but, as humans, this is near impossible as we refuse to change our ways. I fear that the only real way to force us to change is the impending economic crisis. With jobs scarce and money tight, perhaps people will appreciate when they get more but this is a bad line of thinking.
Either way the Christmas season is over and I wanted to impart some degree of wisdom upon you all during my long and enforced absence. We have another 350 + days until Christmas returns and we should really think about what we give and why as I wonder if this next Christmas will be as cheery as the last. We are about to hit some hard times and I genuinely hope that we can still enjoy our season of holiday cheer.
Be excellent to each other and until next time, party on Wayne! |
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| What We've Become |
[Oct. 20th, 2008|12:27 am] |
I apologize for lacking articles in the last few weeks but something has been bothering me.
Originally I had written an article satirizing both presidential candidates as they provided me with plenty of material to work with. I then criticized both sides for being nothing but downright dirty and underhanded by conjuring up any allegations they could come up, exaggerate and spin their voting records, and even go after the candidate's families. All this for political gain.
As I proofread my work I came to a shocking realization. In my efforts to satirize those who use dirty tricks and insults to further their candidate, I was using the same tactics to further my article. I even went as far as to facetiously refer to Obama as the “messiah” and mock the events surrounding McCain's POW status. It's one thing to make light of Amy Winehouse or use defecating similes to describe Uwe Boll films (I just finished “In the Name of the King”) for the sake of humor and good fun, but it's another thing entirely to go after someone for the sole purpose of hurting them. It's vindictive, disrespectful, and highly unprofessional.
I am ashamed that I fell into this trap and I fear it is a symptom of a much larger problem in our society.
( Read more... ) |
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| You Might Be a Redneck If You get a DUI While Riding a... Cooler? |
[Sep. 27th, 2008|12:15 pm] |
Jeff Foxworthy always said "you might be a redneck if you ever got a DUI while riding the lawnmower." However, I don't think he anticipated anyone pulling a Tim Taylor and putting a motor in a color.
Linky!
Course, you also might be a redneck if...
Ah, good times here in the US!
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| Professional Update: We're Moving!! |
[Sep. 26th, 2008|03:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
It's been a while since I last posted one of these but they are long overdo.
Last Tuesday I convened in a meeting with my thesis committee and we set a completion date for October 14th 2008 on my masters thesis. So far we are at 120 pages and counting along with three completed chapters and only three to go.
As such, I have already placed my two months notice to Housing Services on campus signifying my desire to move out by November 3rd. November 2nd is the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert and they're only appearing here in Grand Forks so I'd like to stay for that before I move. I will be moving to Bismarck temporarily until I get a job offer from most likely the Air Force.
The USAF job openings close in just a matter of days but the selection process takes weeks, if not months, so I'll have plenty of time to finish up the thesis and be ready to move anywhere in the world at a moments notice.
What this means for you!
We'll still put out weekly articles until November since I will no longer be working for the Dakota Student by then. So keep tuning in around Tuesday as more articles are coming you way. It also means the Writer's Circle will no longer be meeting as of October 25th... in Grand Forks at least.
So a lot is going on. I better get back to my thesis and, at least, get a large chunk out of the chapter I'm working on now.
Peace out! |
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| One Man's Treasure is Another Student's Loan |
[Sep. 24th, 2008|03:42 pm] |
So now that you have some spare money from the second job to help pay off the first job so you can get a third job (I swear, this is the last flow chart reference), you're wondering what to spend that hard-earned currency on. Will it be Star Wars: Force Unleashed on the XBox360? Season 4 of The Office on DVD? A shopping spree of no limitations at Happy Harry's? Perhaps you'd rather invest that leftover gross in Fannie Mae stock or the Barack Obama presidential campaign (assuming there's a difference)? No matter what you decide to go for that extra money, like gonorrhea, is burning a hole in your pocket and you must spend it! Problem is you're living literally paycheck to paycheck or, in most cases whenever the family decides to send money, leaving no room to maneuver in the event an unexpected bill, emergency party, noise ordinance fine, pregnancy, or STD that comes your way. College easily produces more poor money managers than the Bush Administration or the former housing bubble.
( Read more... ) |
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| Whistle While Your Slave |
[Sep. 16th, 2008|09:36 pm] |
We're almost one month into the semester and with three, possibly four football victories later (can you tell we wrote this on Monday?) the initial college culture shock consisting of your emo roommate and professor, who is only five years older than you, is coming to a close. However, you now have another problem as the Ministry of Plenty (aka Financial Aid) has already dispersed all remaining funding leftover from more critical programs like Division I and the parking garage; after all, if we can't park in an enclosed structure, we can't study. You didn't get the financial aid because FAFSA, in all it's infinite bureaucratic wisdom, decreed that since you're parents make enough money to barely afford the house payments that they are perfectly capable to dish out $11,269 a year for tuition. Adding insult to financial injury, if you're like me and other Norwegians, who couldn't use our ethnicity to gain scholarships or financial aid, you've probably had to resort to the unthinkable by offering your services to retail and/or fast food.
It's bad enough that you're taking on a second job to help pay off the first job, that is being a student, to help you get a third job to pay off the loans on the first job (don't make me get out the flow chart), but now you're serving the very people who DID get the financial aid. Such customers include a wide variety of human prodigy who either want a cheeseburger with no cheese and a 44oz McVodka (drink VERY responsibly, Captain's orders) or think the express lane means the cashiers work faster. You would rather A) sell both your kidneys, B) be a mannequin at the Plain Brown Wrapper, or C) work for Parking Services, than sell your soul for $6.55 per hour pawning trans-fatty acids and products made in China. No matter how much you loath it, like paying taxes, tuition, and being stuck with the UND Pride Card you don't have to like it, you just have to do it.
However, as Captain Kirk always said, “There... is... always... hope (Unless you're wearing a red shirt).”
There are several benefits to working while in college as well as survival tips. The most obvious benefit is you get paid real money and not some BS about how volunteering your time on campus or your community is “investing in your future.” If community service hours were actual legal tender Mother Teresa could buy out Google and the Dalai Lama could buy his country back. This is not to negate the importance of community service or selflessness, but Student Account Service does not accept goodwill... or Visa for that matter.
The next benefit is building your resume. Yeah, it sucks to serve people who order a double quarter-pounder meal super-sized with a diet coke or think Velveeta Cheese is worth it's weight in gold, but the fact that you did all that while successfully maintaining a decent GPA and graduated on time speaks volumes about your character and abilities as a professional in your field. Not to mention hard work builds character as Amazon.com Chairman and CEO Jeff Bezos started as a cook at McDonald's and Sam Walton of Wal-Mart waited tables to pay his way through college at the University of Missouri.
The last, and probably the most critical, tip on working your way through college is paid internships that don't involve working in the White House. If you play your cards right you can get paid while gaining college credit instead of paying to learn through regular credits.
In conclusion, be aware of balancing your time... *gets out flow chart* you don't want the second job to interfere with the first job in the first place as this will affect your ability to get a third job when you're done with your first job or you might get fired from your second job for placing too much priority on your first job or getting thrown out from the first job for working too much with the second job thereby not securing a third job to pay for the first job. Now who can argue with that? |
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| Samuel L. Jackson in Titanic: The Lost Screen Tests *Quickie* |
[Sep. 12th, 2008|10:24 pm] |
Just when I thought the movie Titanic couldn't get any worse, I just found out that they denied Samuel L. Jackson the role of Jack and gave it to Leonardo DiCaprio! They didn't even give him the common courtesy of putting the screen tests in the DVD extras... assuming they didn't since I do not own the DVD.
However, thanks to our friends at MiniMovie Channel we can now show you the screen tests of Samuel L. Jackson auditioning for the role of Jack on Titanic.
Enjoy!!
Linky!
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| Wake Me Up When September Begins |
[Sep. 11th, 2008|07:03 am] |
Summer has come and and past, the motorcycle season can never last (In North Dakota); wake me up when September ends.
The ever decreasing numbers of pretty ladies in short shorts and tank tops *le sigh* along with the shorter periods of sunlight and dropping temperatures can only signify one thing and no it doesn't mean the Gophers are in town (keep the dead gophers in the freezer for now). It means summer is over and the fall season has begun.
It means I have to finally get that block heater installed that I've been putting off for two years (I'll do it next week). It means we just discovered that out of $300 worth of books the professor made us purchase, we're only using $50 worth and the return policy has expired. Lastly, it means we will be bombarded with constant campaigning for the 2008 presidential race as if we never made up our minds already when clearly we'd rather vote for Cobra Commander than a maverick or a false messiah. Hail Cobra!!
However, the fall's not all that bad especially if you didn't have an air conditioner or wind machine during the summer. It's cooling down with no humidity and isn't a sustained -45 degrees (yet) while the threat of West Nile from mosquitoes has gone the way of financial aid after the pride card; bye-bye. With the concerned parents and overly-nostalgic alumni gone, parking spaces for us S-class permit owners are relatively more plentiful (albeit not by much) as are the openings in the classes we wanted as disillusioned students are withdrawing once they realized they actually have a workload. After all, it's not easy balancing 15 or less credits and an experimental social life involving no parents and Busch Light (drink responsibly; Captain's orders)! Best of all the sounds of the unnatural male enhancement known as a crotch-rocket throttle will be subsiding as the cold air will make them shrivel back to the garage for winter storage.
Even with the fall season eliminating numerous annoying elements leftover from summer (sadly, the UND pride card is still with us), this semester brings more than just cooler temperatures to campus.
While the French fry feed is over there are still plenty of events on and off campus to keep our minds off the fact that we really haven't played a genuine D1 team yet. There's the Potato Bowl Parade, which means Fighting Sioux football, which means tailgating, which means respectful early morning drinking [pop]. There's also the Night Life events where, on top of free food, one can engage his/her fellow peers in a climactic battle of wits involving fake plastic guitars over a $10 gift card from Home of Economy (I used mine to purchase hunting ammo!). And who can forget the real event of fall season; the North Dakota/Minnesota religion that is hockey.
So even if you're getting the fall time blues just know there is stuff to do, prizes to be won, and teams to cheer on.
Fall semester is here at last. Busch Light? No thanks, I'll pass; wake me up when September begins!
(Hey, at least we didn't reference Boulevard of Broken Dreams or anything from Hannah Montana) |
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| Everyone Has ADD!! ADD!! Especially At Col... Oooh! Cupcakes! |
[Sep. 2nd, 2008|11:53 am] |
It's been a week since the fall semester of intellectual indoctrination began and we're already finding excuses not to study, even if it is just the syllabus. It's not like we don't want to study psychophysiology, far from it, there was just too much going on! First, there was the Student Involvement Expo where students could attain critical college wisdom and free necessities such as pizza, Jimmy Johns subs, tests for carry-conceal permits, iPods, and a spiffy bag to carry them in! Then we had to secure our football victory against Texas A&M Kingsville, even if it meant putting off studying to watching the game. We even went as far as to hire the UPD as an armed escort for the treacherous trip down Demers Ave and 42nd to the Alerus. It's been a busy week!
However, if you think that's bad, wait till you pile on the midterms, the papers, the research projects, the partying the night before the exam, all the while trying to live the college experience without waking up in the emergency room with no recollection of the night before. There's enough distractions here at UND to give even the most urban-dwelling city slicker prairie fever. Even with only four places in Grand Forks open 24 hours (that we know of but would love to hear of more), there's plenty on campus to distract us from studying.
First, there's the social networking that is Facebook and Myspace. Nothing pasts the time better than befriending Jesus, Ghandi, Barack Obama, and syphilis on Facebook or spending an entire class hour trying to reenact the six degrees of Kevin Bacon (By the way: Obama was my father's brother's nephew's cousin's former room mate). Along with social networking, the Internet has other guilty pleasures such as youtube, which gives you the unique opportunity to experience a communist military parade without Stalinist side effects such as being purged, subjected to an artificial famine, or given the distinct honor of working for the people in Siberia.
Then there's student organizations where they offer as many special interests as the magazine shelf behind the gas station counter. If there was one of you in high school with interest A, chances are there's at least 20 of you in college with the same passion. With each group you join there's weekly meetings, quarterly events, occasional protests and disorderly conduct at the Republican National Convention, and leadership positions demanding more of your time. It doesn't take long for student organizations to take up more time than your class work.
Lastly, one of the largest distractions are your friends. Granted having close friends in college is an absolute must in order to survive, however, they can consume more time than a PBS telethon and you won't walk away with a free tote bag for time spent (this column made possible from the emotional support from readers like you!). You could be sitting at home, the deadline is tomorrow, you haven't started, but you and your friends are hanging out in front of a nondescript fence sipping on Alamo [root] beer breaking the silence every now and then with a nonchalant “yup,”or “mmm-hmmm.”
The trick to combating distraction is to simply eliminate them or learn to control them. For your first year or so at college leave your video games, television, hookah, personal vehicle (especially if you don't have a block heater), and, of course, your personal problems at home. Learn to manage your time before you bring your distractions with you. You, your parents, or the state is paying for you to learn here, not play with your Wii every night no matter how stimulating it may be. |
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| Tim the Conservative Flower Child Press Wants YOU!!! |
[Sep. 1st, 2008|10:29 am] |
Ever feel as though there are no decent blogs on the internet? No adequate outlets of humor? Are the endless political editorials in your newspaper becoming so consistent and boring that they become white noise? Do the limitless amount of teen fanfics and teenage emo rants on livejournal/facebook/myspace make you want you to take their razors and use them on yourself so you don't have to listen to them anymore?
Let's face it; the internet (is for porn) and nearly all newspapers have become the outlets of either distraught teenagers moping about how awful the world is or old people griping about the world despite the fact they lost touch with it before the Thriller album was released. I can assure you that with the presidential election this year it's gonna be McCain this, Obama that, and Biden did this, and Palin is a fascist and there will be no humor!! ( On that note! What's really cool is if you combine Obama/Biden and put it on a fast marquee it almost looks like "Osama Bin Laden") The only humor we're going to get from the local paper is from the daily Garfield and Dilbert comics and maybe some Bush rhetoric slip-up that the press loves.
The blogosphere and newspaper industry just aren't funny anymore! Enter us!
You've been a reader of Tim the Conservative Flower Child Press for whatever reasons but I'm certain humor has something to do with it; whether our weekly demotivators captivated you or perhaps our Freshmen Survival Guide caught your attention and you want more, you hit the subscribe button and have tuned in!
Now it is your turn to help call the shots!!
TTCFCP (Yeah, try memorizing THAT acronym) has always been a fan-driven and fan-based publication; anytime anyone wants to submit ideas for any of our publications, all they have to do is send them in and we review them. Our publication is not a one-man effort but is comprised of several writers and fans that get together and come up with ideas we believe is entertaining. I'm just the figurehead/editor/supreme ruler.
With our column being invited back to the Dakota Student, we're gonna get back on schedule and release a weekly column and demotivator but, in order to do that, we need your help! We need your ideas, your likes, dislikes, turn-ons, turn-offs, etc. etc. We want to know what you want in future episodes! It's your publication so send in your ideas today or, better yet, join us in our weekly writer's circles where we actually create the column!
I look forward to any ideas and new-comers! |
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| Welcome Back to the Jungle!! |
[Aug. 26th, 2008|10:12 pm] |
It was the best of summers, it was the most censored of summers... especially at this year's Olympics compliments of Google and Youtube. Jason Lezak and Michael Phelps, who had just returned to his home on Krypton, helped the French put their Euros where they mouths are when they beat them in the 400m relay and other swimming events; Brett Favre regretted quitting his day job and came out of his four-month retirement to claim the distinct honor to play for... the Jets?; The Dark Knight wooed crowds while Star Wars: The Clone Wars created one hell of a disturbance in the Force by having a script almost as good as the movie Stealth. It was one heck of a summer for those of us who did not have to attend summer school but like the innocence of Disney Channel alumni, all good things must come to an end.
But fear not fellow students of knowledge and incoming freshmen! With every end comes a new beginning... except for Amy Winehouse.
For the incoming freshmen it is a time to broaden their horizons and experience college beyond what they saw in Animal House and Van Wilder, especially if it involves homemade doughnuts. Along with the new freshmen comes a new UND President Robert. Kelley, but the good R. Kelley who brings A New Hope to the campus as he stands on the sands of the quad starring into the sun (cue Star Wars music). Lastly, we will see if the Division 1 change will be worth the double-digit tuition increase as our UND football team will play D1 teams like UC Davis, Idaho State, and Southern Utah. It is, indeed, a new and unique year for UND.
Of course, we don't hold these changes to be self-evident to the incoming freshmen as high school does everything but prepare you for the college experience, which is never realistically portrayed in any form of media whether it be from any National Lampoon or Will Farrel movies (Except the show Undergrads). Here at UND, freshmen will encounter unique local elements such as the acquisition of total loathing of anything involving gophers, large tractors on the main roads, and eight-month sustained -35 temperature winters (before wind chill) while experiencing typical college themes such as culture shock, roommates, freedom from parents, the dining center, and elves.
For returning students, you will still have to call upon the knowledge you gained from last year's Freshmen Survival Guide (available at www.dakotastudent.com), while laughing at the incoming freshmen for making the exact same mistakes you made last year such as wearing a high school letter jacket on campus or mixing colors and whites in the washer. Now you have more pertinent issues to worry about from funding, your major(s), choosing faculty advisors, protesting the same administration you get financial aid from, and hating republicans. Like a masochist you have flocked back to UND, a glutton for intellectual punishment as everything you learned is put to the test by upper-level courses and other prerequisites to graduate.
Regardless of your background and/or level of college experience, this year at UND will hurl numerous challenges your way and, fortunately, for you, we're here to cover it and otherwise make fun of it to make it seem less serious than it really is. After all, as humans we learn through trial and error (usually error) and if at first you do not succeed; try, try again... and again... and again, then destroy the evidence of all prior attempts!!
Welcome back to the jungle! |
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| Never Confuse Your Authority and His/Her Ability to Kick Your Ass: Demotivator for the Week |
[Aug. 24th, 2008|12:01 pm] |
The other night I saw the most bizarre thing in the Olympics; Cuban martial artist Angel Matos kicked the referee after an unfavorable disqualification. Perhaps he doesn't like Swedes, but according to the article on FoxNews, Matos pushed and kicked the referee, then spat on the mat and had to be escorted out.
It seems as though there are a lot of upsets in the Olympics as of late from the crying on the mat by a Japanese contender, a Swedish wrestler throwing away his bronze medal, and the Chinese tweener girl's gymnastics allegedly being underage. I thought we've moved beyond this but I have to look on the bright side; it gives me the opportunity to make fun of genuine athletes way more physically fit than I am. :D
Towards this end, all this week is Olympic demotivators for your viewing pleasure starting with one on Angel Matos...
And don't worry, I got something for Michael Phelps just yet despite my platonic fanaticism for the guy!
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| Undercover Prostitution Customers: Dirty Job, But Someone Has to Do It |
[Aug. 22nd, 2008|02:52 pm] |
Many of us have several not-so fun tasks to do and all we have to show for is the cliche "all in a day's work." However, none of those tasks involved having sexual relations (unless you're a White House intern).
According to an article by the Beaumont Enterprise, a local law enforcement officer was suspended for allegedly having sex with a prostitute. When testifying about his reasons for indulging in the services from the prostitute the officer claims, and I quote, "I was asked to do so" for the investigation.
I can see the next episode of Dirty Jobs now!
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| Like UPS and Chairman Mao, Michael Phelps Has a Special Delivery for Beijing!! |
[Aug. 14th, 2008|02:08 pm] |
I don't know about you guys but I love watching the Olympics every two years. While I am more of a winter Olympics fan, this year's summer Olympics in Beijing are absolutely incredible (unless you're only watching gymnastics).
So far, our boy Michael Phelps has won five consecutive gold medals AND breaking world records each time. This guy has earned his nickname "Superman," especially since he just beat Spitz's record last night.
Tonight he goes for medal 6 but I heard he's not training in the meantime, but using his recently acquired CDL license to bring something special to Beijing...
I pray I didn't jinx him with my Bud references.
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| Jeff Dunham Upstaged in Grand Forks, ND: A Tim and Company Production |
[Aug. 5th, 2008|02:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  silly | ] |
Last Thursday night I went to go see Jeff Dunham's Spark of Insanity Show and something really bizarre happened. Through a large petition, the people of Grand Forks requested Jeff Dunham bring one of his oldest acts, Bubba J, to the show despite it not being part of the show. Jeff obliged.
However, Jeff had not done the routine in well over a year so he couldn't remember half the lines. To resolve this, he put the punch lines on several 3x5 note cards and continually glanced at them. Throughout the routine, he stuttered and paused while trying to say the lines on the note cards until a few audience members in the front row said the lines for him.
Jeff maintained his composure by having the puppet Bubba J gripe how pathetic it was that the audience knew the act better than Jeff did. To this, Jeff facetiously told the audience to say the punch lines if they knew it, not realizing that all 2000 members of the audience (myself included) had the whole act memorized.
This video is the result (courtesy of Tim and Company Productions)!
Linky.
(NOTE) I'm not done with the captioning yet but I thought I'd give you guys a sneak peak!
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| Wanna Increase Your Manhood? Buy Ridiculously and Unrealistically Large!: Demotivator for Week |
[Jul. 24th, 2008|12:15 pm] |
Ever feel as though you're not nearly as great as some other person you know probably named Mark (Or in my case, Tom) or Vera? Do you feel as though women look at you and realize something is seriously lacking in your life and they're not referring to your credit score? Do you look at your chest and wonder how genetics gave you the North Dakota flats while giving Vera the Swiss Twin Peaks?
Let's face it, we're decent people but we are far from perfect and in order to make up for our lacking gap between us and Hollywood's portrayal of physical attraction we have to play catch up in some way. After all, if Hollywood portrays it then it must be accurate.
We must find a way to make up for the difference somehow since we cannot afford to get THAT much surgery!
I know!
We can buy really big vehicles as an extension of our manhood! A Hummer H3, a Cadillac Escalade, a Chevrolet Suburban! To show women everywhere that not only are we large and in charge, but we can take out a loan each time we need to fill her up! And if you think this only works for men, well... Hummer proved that it works for soccer moms as well!
As a person living in a state where there are more trucks than people, I can testify that this mentality exists and to commemorate this occasion I present to you this week's demotivator!
BTW: I love you Tom! :P
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| It’s Time for Some Campaigning!! |
[Jul. 21st, 2008|07:30 pm] |
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Ah the smells of the election season! The fresh smell of the perforated voting card, the diesel engines from the campaign buses, and the roting smell of the lynched carcases of those we disagree with politically!
Election years are more divisive than unifying as people get heated, disagreements arise, and then they think because there are X many people agreeing with them than people Y must be automatically wrong. Gotta love political discourse!
Fortunately, there are those who do try to play both sides off each other since no political idealism has a monopoly on stupidity, just ask Keith Olbermann.
Kudos to Jibjab.com for this hilarious video. Now, I may be a humble blogger but the creators did allow moi to have a brief cameo in the movie so keep an eye out for this handsome devil!
Send a JibJab Sendables® eCard Today!  |
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